Thursday, 31 December 2009

Siouxsie and the Banshees

My mum used to massage them and their heroin track covered arms. My mum used to be a beauty therapist but she had me and now she works at M&S.

My mum also massaged Dave Hill from the band Slade and the bird who plays Audrey in 'Coronation Street' but I'd prefer not to mention those...

John Hughes Wrote That Too?

Writer/Producer/Director John Hughes died on the 6th of August this year and it's just hit me like a tonne of bricks. I always knew he was the creator of 'The Breakfast Club' which on its own is worth a fair amount of hero worship. I got forced to sit down and watch it with a friend about 2 years ago, and didn't quite get it at the time, but after the second watch it went from a zero straight into my mental top 20 'movies that will change your life' list. The moral: stay young. Youth knows when it's elders have forgotten how to see things. Youth knows how to use that against them, all tied up in an angst ridden entertaining package. Genius.

Then a few months later I read this blog after it appeared on my twitter feed a dozen times and felt sorry that the industry has probably lost one of the few nice blokes left in it.

And finally during my weekly rape of Wikipedia I found out that he wrote 'Uncle Buck' too and I can only imagine that the world has lost a messiah of cult cinema!

Should I not want to sound like a pretentious git and reel off a lists of arty/french/low budget titles as the answers to what my favorite movie is I would instead tell you that 'Uncle Buck' is probably it. Crude, crass and loutish uncle bonds with arrogant, spoilt and insolent teenage niece over the threat of drilling her sex-obsessed and ridiculously stupid boyfriends teeth out whilst he is tied up in the boot of the car. Inspired. Throw the Macaulay Culkin "aww" factor and a few golf balls to the head into the mix and you've got yourself another hit.

My dad and I sit down once a year and laugh hysterically at it, most of the time that day is christmas eve but ITV let us down this year and scheduled it about 3 days late.

John Hughes also wrote these beauties:

  • Sixteen Candles
  • The Great Outdoors
  • Weird Science
  • Pretty In Pink
  • Planes, Trains & Automobiles
  • Home Alone 1, 2 & 3
  • Curly Sue
  • Baby's Day Out
  • Miracle on 34th Street
  • 101 Dalmations
  • Flubber

(On the downside he was also responsible for the 'Maid in Manhattan' script... but as Jennifer Lopez starring movies go you have to give it to him it was one of the more bearable ones...)

It took me almost 5 months to realise but the world has lost a hero of pop culture and I am going to wear black, eat a lot of carbohydrates and overload in the best of these 80's/90's classics for the rest of the week in mourning... I am seriously starting to worry if I will ever laugh whilst simultaneously gain some self awareness during a film again.

Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

She’s got some brand new shoes. And she loves them a wee bit too much. So much she almost reenacted the famous Hamlet soliloquy with a shoe in place of the skull on photobooth until she thought that would make her look even more like a tit than she already does… especially when she is writing a caption about herself in 3rd person…

Wednesday, 23 December 2009


Today I managed to put names to 3 of my fatality related phobias:

1. Athazagoraphobia - the fear of being forgotten. What can I say I'm an attention seeker. The idea of being lonely before I die or not being remembered when I'm gone is horrible.

2. Hydrophobia - the fear of drowning. I know this is supposedly the most painless way to go aside from in your sleep but the idea of waiting for the water to fill your lungs, knowing you are going to die, 3 minutes would probably feel like 40.

3. Pyrophobia - the fear of being burnt alive. This one came into fruition when I took a trip to the ruins of Pompeii in the italian region of Campania a few years back and saw the plaster casts of the victims.

The archaeologists excavating the site found the remains of many people in the last position they were in when the ash and gas fell over Pompeii which was destroyed, and completely buried, during a long catastrophic eruption of the volcano Mount Vesuvius in 79 AD. Most were choked by the ash and pumice-stone dust or killed by the accompanying poisonous gas. The archaeologists filled the places where the bodies were with plaster in order to get a perfect match for individual body position and facial expression.

I have been doing a lot of digging on the family computer over Christmas and came across these pictures again, Pompeii is one of the craziest places I have ever been to and I'm pretty ashamed of myself for almost forgetting it. So this more of a memo to myself than a blog. But if you are interested in reading a more sophisticated overview of the casts or the subsequent exhibition of them check out this article from the Smithsonian (This list of phobias and meanings is a pretty good read too).

Saturday, 19 December 2009

a quote from Sylvia Plath

"Yes, I was infatuated with you; I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn’t stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren’t having any of those."

“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”

Carl Reigner was an asshole for saying this. Snow is the ONLY good thing about winter in my book despite the obvious exceptions of presents and turkey.

Being cold? Rubbish. Crowded shopping centers/streets? Rubbish. Huge queues for the bank? Rubbish. Knowing as soon as Christmas is over you won't sleep until mid January because of last minute deadline rush? Rubbish. Pretending to be happy to see distant family members and being forced to kiss old people? Awkward and rubbish. But snow? Snow is amazing. It makes you forget how cold you are because it makes you so numb you lose feeling in every limb, it makes people excited and lovey dovey with each other, it's an excuse to throw shit at passers by and it not be an offense and it blankets the world in soft white - making everything look more appealing - cat shit, litter - who cares if you can't see it anymore?

Infact I wish I was closer to my university situated home so I could reenact the following:

Even the snowball to the vagina part:

But alas I am home alone, because people work in these parts but daddy has promised if it's still reasonably snowy by the morning we are going to reinvent the almost conservatory sized igloo we built when I was 3. So fingers crossed.

Thursday, 17 December 2009

Methodically Speaking

The only way to assess ones own happiness is by measuring the amount of things that could be better by the amount of things that could go wrong. The way I see it, if the number of things that could go wrong outweigh the things that could be better, then you are a pretty lucky person as you’d have far more to lose than if you were already at the bottom. Making those few things you wish could be better more important than what you already have just makes them disappear further out of reach.

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

a quote from mayra hornbacher (wasted)


Knees Up Mother Brown!

p>Lately I have been starting to feel my age. And although I may only be 21 and I have (fingers crossed) many more years ahead than I have behind, I have nevertheless been feeling the first burns of nostalgia. It started with the faint memory of my first phone (Nokia 3210) and the fact I only asked for it so I could play my ringtones to my friend on the school bus and get the top score for snake in the lunch break tournaments. Then I borrowed season 1&2 of Ally Mcbeal from my friend Pippa. And finally the main theme of Gretel's birthday party ended up becoming an in bed, youtube, love fest at everything and anything 90's (mainly clips from kids TV shows) avec really good cake and odd european spirits.

So, behold a list of programmes I demand to be put back on T.V.:

Recess, Finders Keepers, TOTPS, Moesha, City Guys, Dawson's Creek,The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Clarissa Explains It All, Kenan & Kel, The Big Breakfast, Heartbreak High, Light Lunch with Mel & Sue, Biker Mice from Mars, Daria, Ren & Stimpy, Dexter's Laboratory, Bad Girls, Xena: Warrior Princess, Hey! Arnold, Johnny Bravo, Are you afraid of the dark?, Cold Feet, The Poddington Peas, Inspector Gadget, Penny Crayon, The Angry Beavers, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, SMTV Live, Wizzadora, Live & Kicking, Saved by the Bell, Sister Sister...

Could this be the greatest opening theme tune of all time?

Most of all can I have 'My So Called Life' back, the first show I actively remember skipping school for because I thought it was the manual to being a teenager:

(...I am still waiting for my boiler room babe, do english schools even have boiler rooms?)

And what about TY babies and tamagotchis? Surely they still have a place in the world post millennium? And forget Ipods I want my 'Power Rangers' lunch box back!

The best thing about the impending 'tenties' (are we really going to have to call this decade that?) for me is going to be the 3rd season of 'True Blood' and continuing to follow Cesar Millan on twitter ("One of the most important things I want to get across is that dogs are dogs—not humans!" - so wise). Those things aside with the ever growing array of satellite T.V. stations, including a channel I recently came across that seemed to be committed to only showing 80's film remakes of american 'true story' specials (a la my husband left me for my best friend, I became an alcoholic, they took my children off me but then I fell in love with a horse took it to the races and now I am rich! ) I'm surprised that there doesn't seem to be one committed to showing nineties children/teen reruns. Give the people what they want!

P.s. I would like to give a big shout out to whoever in the english language invented the brackets - they seem to be new favorite means of punctuation.

Monday, 14 December 2009

Just stood on a mirror...

… and it smashed. Does that mean I have to endure another 7 years of bad luck? The time limit isn’t even up yet from that time I walked over 3 drains, and that time I walked under a ladder, and that time a black cat crossed my path… and all those crisp packets I opened upside down…

Thursday, 10 December 2009

"In Creeps the Morning and Another Day is Lost."

We humans as a species spend most of our time wishing our lives away. Mourning the events of the week behind and losing days in bed in the present, looking forward to the next birthday, christmas, holiday or big event - “when this happens it’ll be better…” Or worse we get drunk to have a good night, to not feel, to forget and to not care, which makes tomorrow yet another day to ignore when your stomach burns and you have sick in your hair.

We are always looking far into the future or glamorizing what lays in the past. We have a tendency to not recognise the present, to always be wanting, and even in the future when we realize we were content in a moment behind us, you can bet we didn’t register it at the time.

The saddest thing is we will get to a certain age and realise we had everything we ever wanted even when we had sick in our hair, they will be our “glory days” and we will be resentful of being aged, having health problems, mortgages, we will flirt with our co workers and develop a distaste to how normal our lives have become. The rigmarole of the 9-5.

We’ll soon get even older, too old, our whole lives will feel like a dream and we’ll love every moment of our existence as it slowly ebbs over us in flashbacks, that our regrets made us, that we loved, that we lost, that we lived. But as soon as we understand it the days remaining will be too close to being over.

Saturday, 5 December 2009

Saturday/Sunday Smut Fest

...because nothing says "hello weekend" better than mammaries.

Friday, 4 December 2009

Friday's Finds

1. Spider - Short Film by Nash Edgerton

"It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye"

2. Postmortem Bliss - Short film by Floria Sigismondi

"... if I had one day, when I didn't have to be all confused and ashamed of everything - or I felt I belonged some place."

Thursday, 3 December 2009

a quote from Alphonse Karr

"Uncertainty is the worst of all evils until the moment when reality makes us regret uncertainty."

My God It's Cold!

IT'S FUCKING WINTER AGAIN! Winter, the cold season. Winter, the dark season. Winter, the lonely season. Winter, the "everyone has someone to spoon but me" season. Winter, the "I wish I had two coins to rub together! I would buy port, heat it on the stove and get pissed." season. The "I'm practically Tiny Tim staring at the turkey he can't have" season... and to top it off I live in a 3 storey igloo.

There is only so much feet warming you can do with a hairdryer, nose heating to do with a laptop charger...I had a lot pinning on my newfound red hair bringing me some insulation... it didn't.

So bare with me while I channel my inner black eyed pea and ask: where is the love? It seems like everyone I know is getting together, and although I spend 99.9% of my life craving freedom and a good book, it's just not keeping me warm this winter.

So... If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain. If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain, if you'd like making love... Oh no wait... those were Jimmy Buffet's requirements...

Personally right now I am willing to settle for the first person armed with a cider and black, a packet of crisps and a penchant for spooning. Desperate times call for desperate measures, no one wants to sit around and wait until they are pissing icicles.

Consider this a casting call.

"The fated love turns out to be a human fantasy" according to Eugenides. I seem to be constantly yearning for a paradise that is receding endlessly before me.

But for now I won't let go of the dream...(for the sake of body heat).

I'll never let go Jack! I'll never let go!

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Top 5 Tuesday

Top 5 Weird Words:

1. Continuum

2. Argute

3. Err

4. Quixotic

5. Tree

Top 5 ‘I Wish I Hadn’t’ Moments:

1. Asked my orthodontist if I could keep my braces in a jar.

2. Took a ‘Furbee’ (those things never shut up) to a west end show.

3. Greeted that girl with “wow that’s a huge spot”… She might have been a good candidate for a friendship.

4. Tipped up what I thought was one of those liquid timers at my Auntie’s house, turned out to be my Cousin’s beloved sea monkey colony. Mass hysteria ensued.

5. Just ran upstairs with a tooth brush in my mouth… Vom.

Top 5 People I Want to Have a Dinner Party With:

1. Virginia Woolf

2. Lady Gaga (/Kathleen Hanna it’s a toss up)

3. Rasputin

4. Sarah Palin (mostly to throw food at)

5. Tracey Emin

Top 5 Things I Wish I’d Made With My Bare Hands:

1. The gas mask bra

2. The telescope for invisible stars

3. TV Teddy

4. Scarlett Johansson

5. The seven ‘new and improved’ deadly sins

a quote from miranda july (something that needs nothing)

"…for a split second I felt as though she was nobody special in the larger scheme of my life. She was just some girl who had tied me to her leg to help her sink when she jumped off the bridge. Then I blinked and was in love with her again."


The mothership of my internet addiction. You have been deactivated. Deactivated because Charlene Batchelor dared me to. And what do you know? I have rediscovered sunlight, books, disposable cameras, felt tip pens, fresh air, and peace of mind.

If I keep it down until deadline I’m hoping I will at least get bought a cookie.