I’m tired of allowing some the right to make me feel like it. Especially when so many make me feel the opposite. Lately I have felt the need to be a little too apologetic and a little too eager to please. My friend once told me how bizarre it was that I give little regard to most people’s opinions but every 1 in 50 there will be someone I will seek approval from, and that persons judgement can have the power to make or break me, even if it goes against the other 49 people’s views. Some kind of magnetic pull to another. Some form of warped admiration that takes hold.
That is something that needs to be stopped. I don’t like the strained feeling of discomfort that comes with having such a reliance. It’s starting to unsettle me, make me weaker and more awkward.
I have two personalities constantly in a struggle with each other. The person I am and the person I want to promote in order to be that bit more magnetic. That pretense will always dissipate into someone else entirely and explode to form a whole new being. A third person. A hybrid. Someone strange and something odd.
The girl who craves your attention.
My friend also told me that everyone would like to be just that little more magnetic but the reality of being so is likely to be superficial and therefore lonely.
I don’t want to risk becoming either of those things.