Girl Interrupted - James Mangold, 1999.

Eventually I'll get there.

Just not this time.

A list of alternative verbs/expressions for the word 'annoyed':

1. Irked.

2. Peeved.

3. Feathers ruffled.

4. Put out.

5. Irritated.

6. Nose out of joint.

7. Vexed.

8. Galled.

9. Bugged.

10. Miffed.

11. Nettled.

12. Aggravated.

13. Got my back up.

14. On my nerves.

15. In my hair.

16. Narked off.

17. Grated on.

18. Riled.

19. Rubbed up the wrong way.

20. Rankled.

21. Pissed off.

The morning after the night I got nicknamed "Millersick"

À bout de souffle (Breathless) - by Jean-Luc Godard, 1960.

What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.

Procrastination Station.

Just over 4 days until deadline and I end up spending hours eating beef flavored hula hoops, checking facebook and "helping" Jane try to get her projector to work - realizing it doesn't - projecting music videos onto her art instead/posing/dancing.

Unproductive? Yes.

Glad I had my camera? Yes.

Avocado, bacon, cream cheese and soy sauce on toasted tiger loaf a good dinner? Yes Gemma.

Garlic fried asparagus, chips, half a chicken sandwich and sweets a good dinner? No Jane.

No More.

Not having any self control is starting to be a real drag.

He that fights and runs away, may live to fight another day.

The chances of ever finding a scanner suitable to put this in are slim so... webcam it is. Behold my watercolor version of Aaron's fight club face:

Feeling Rich?

Because I really wouldn't mind having this and boy oh boy am I broke.

Words That Describe the Current State of My Face:

1. Congested

2. Bunged

3. Clogged

4. Blocked

5. Jammed

a quote from Sylvia Plath

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I’m neurotic as hell. I’ll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days."

Amidst all the usual shit you get tagged in daily on facebook, there is an odd picture of you and your friends that you are going to love and keep forever and it will restore your faith once more in social networking.

A list of things currently wrong with me:

1. I have dyed my hair ginger.

2. I feel like I have swallowed two golf balls.

3. I can't make a run for it out of the country until July.

4. I'm broke.

5. I'm still jealous/bitter.

6. I am running out of clean knickers.

7. My scanner is just not big enough.

8. I have to walk around town like a guilty 14 year old because I lost all forms of ID.

9. I have misplaced my Ipod and I am having DoodleJump withdrawal symptoms.

10. I spend 80% of my days whining about whining.

On the flip side:

1. I love my mum.

2. I have cold leftover chow mein in the fridge.

3. I have found a last.fm app for my Ipod Touch.

4. Kiah gave me the gift of paracetamol.

5. Winter is over. The sun has got his hat on.

6. I have a newly rearranged and tidy room.

7. I have quit all of my addictions.

8. I have 4 unread novels to look forward to.

9. 'All About Eve' is on Film4 this afternoon.

10. Sony have dropped Jedward.

Conversations with Jane pt II.

Gemma-Lilly: I'm pretty much a leper.

Jane: Isn't that a midget?

Gemma-Lilly: A lepper is not a midget! It's like slang for a person who has leprosy.

Jane: I thought it was the man with the gold.

Gemma-Lilly: Do you mean a leprechaun?

Holly. Envelope Sketch.

Conversations with Jane pt I.

Jane: What other space things do you know? Like space words.

Gemma-Lilly: Comet?

Jane: That's a reindeer!

I’m tired of being in the middle of things

I'm taking a gigantic leap out of the circle and instead becoming a square.

A list of expensive/important possessions that I have misplaced/lost:

1. My passport

2. The 1gb memory card from my SLR.

3. My specs.

4. My provisional driving license.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

a quote from Fran Lebowitz

"Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw."

The Achey Breaky Heart CD

‘What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?’
- Nick Hornby, High Fidelity.

The mix CD I’m making for Amie and Suzi in a tripod project of procrastination is starting to cut a little too close to the bone.

What came first the music or the broken heart? Would we know what a broken heart was without the music giving us unrealistic expectations of romance?

Ouch.

P.s. Despite its misleading name it does not contain Billy Ray Cyrus. I know you’re disappointed Suzi.

It's 4.30am...

and I’m still awake. Guess I might as well strike off any hopes of doing anything productive today.

Up The Creek Without A Paddle

Monday last week, in a moment of extreme boredom/brain damage I bought 32 disks/90 hours/6 seasons worth of angsty pre-teen nostalgia known as ‘Dawson’s Creek’ and I have been been watching it obsessively compulsively for an entire week.

20 hours in and I’m starting to think when there are no more episodes I’m either going to:

A) Fall apart.

B) Spontaneously combust.

C) Go into therapy.

At the very least I think my Imac will explode out of confusion when I finally manage to shutdown and at this rate I’m going to be done and dusted by wednesday.

The only thing to do is distract myself with something else impeccably 90’s - ‘Six Feet Under’ maybe? But for now I can remained fathomed by the sheer amount of video tapes watched, gigantic mobile phones and old style blueberry macs used and mules worn.

P.s. Michelle Williams, I love you.

Trapped.

Every available out I can see myself running away to is just leading me straight back to square one.

I’m getting tired.

a quote from j.d. salinger (a girl i knew)

"She wasn’t doing a thing that I could see, except standing there, leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together."

Right Before Bedtime...

I get all these profound thoughts enter my head about how I feel and what I could blog about. I organise, I plan, I make sense, I catalogue, I formulate paragraphs and create artworks all in my mind. But then I wake up, productivity levels rise but my mind is blocked, my ideas are dust and I can’t remember a thing. I’m not entirely satisfied about my reflection in these internet blogging thingys at the moment.

I think it’s about time I invest in an under pillow notebook.

What's Worse?

1. The fact that I don’t think you’re attracted to me.

3. The fact that I still wish you were.

Small.

I’m tired of allowing some the right to make me feel like it. Especially when so many make me feel the opposite. Lately I have felt the need to be a little too apologetic and a little too eager to please. My friend once told me how bizarre it was that I give little regard to most people’s opinions but every 1 in 50 there will be someone I will seek approval from, and that persons judgement can have the power to make or break me, even if it goes against the other 49 people’s views. Some kind of magnetic pull to another. Some form of warped admiration that takes hold.

That is something that needs to be stopped. I don’t like the strained feeling of discomfort that comes with having such a reliance. It’s starting to unsettle me, make me weaker and more awkward.

I have two personalities constantly in a struggle with each other. The person I am and the person I want to promote in order to be that bit more magnetic. That pretense will always dissipate into someone else entirely and explode to form a whole new being. A third person. A hybrid. Someone strange and something odd.

The girl who craves your attention.

My friend also told me that everyone would like to be just that little more magnetic but the reality of being so is likely to be superficial and therefore lonely.

I don’t want to risk becoming either of those things.

One day…

someone is going to give me a thimble and tell me that it’s a kiss.

Nosebleed Portraits: Charlene 02.

This is Your Wake Up Call

Is the word ‘alarm’ actually spelt like that? Is it even a word? It just doesn’t look right to me after 3 sleepless nights… I have noticed that all these words pop up on my Ipod when my ‘alarm’ goes off (not sure if it’s purely because I am always only partly conscious when this happens) and I’m pretty sure none of them are part of the english language… for some reason “alarm”, “snooze” and “slide” are just confounding to me when strung together.

Last minute artistic rush ins are really becoming a joke now. I hate looking like a dumbo cause I have unfinished shit and decided to write about my project at 4am the night before… IF I even manage to get that done. Third lazy spell round and I’m pretty sure this time I have humiliated myself into never doing this again.

Behold my caffeine shaking, blood shot eyed, sleep deprived, stress induced epiphany. No more.

So I will hand in my meagre excuse for a portfolio, cross my fingers, vow to never go out again, eat my leftover pizza and then “snooze”… Schnooz, snoooose? Sleep.

a quote from Sarak Kane

"abstraction to the point of…
dislike
dislocate
disembody
deconstruct."

A List of My Obsessions:

1. Peter Pan.
2. Circles.
3. Goats.
4. Sylvia Plath.
5. Clavicles.
6. Awkward family photos.
7. Marks & Spencer's ready meals.
8. Winona Ryder.
9. Blood/bruises/scars.
10. Novelty headgear.

I have way too much time and novelty items on my hands…

New Years Resolutions

1. Say yes to caffeine.

2. Say no to alcohol induced vomiting.

3. Be less embarrassing.

Photograph by Ellis Parrinder for The Guardian

If you told me I could stop David Tennant from getting the axe as Doctor Who by chaining myself to him like a member of greenpeace would do for a tree, I'd have been right in there - but since seeing Matt Smith in the spring 2010 promo and in the role for 4 minutes during the finale he looks like he might not be so bad after all... even if he does have a face like a shriveled prune...